Opinion: Hidden Disability

As I walk down the halls of work, or the aisles of a store, there is this look I see on people’s faces. A look that I could be reading more into, and yet am predisposed to think when I see it.

First, let us start with a common definition of Disability.

Disability is the consequence of an impairment that may be physical, cognitive, mental, sensory, emotional, developmental, or some combination of these. A disability may be present from birth, or occur during a person’s lifetime.

The key words in this definition is “the consequence of an impairment“.

Which then brings up the question; What is an impairment?

“the state or fact of being impaired, especially in a specified faculty.”

These are all rather vague, and the reason why is because what may impair you, may not impair another.

Some would say it’s about a quality of life. I tend to agree with this, but I also remember that not everyone defines the quality of life the same.

So, when I walk down the hall, and someone looks at me, I start becoming worried about what they are thinking.

If they smile, it’s easy. When they don’t, it’s not good.

“He doesn’t really need that dog.”
“I bet he is faking that limp.”
“What does that dog really do for him?”
“Wish I could just say I am disabled and bring my dog?”
“My back hurts, and I am not milking it!”

That last one is actually something I will talk about another time.

There are many different forms of disability. The amount it impacts your life may look minor to the outside, but limits you in so many ways.

Myself, when my back started to hurt, I thought nothing of it. I went about my day, I started to become more physical a to try and counter it. I kept telling myself, day in and day out; “Everyone has back pain.”

Then one day I woke up in bed, unable to move. I could twitch my toes and fingers, and turn my head. That was it. As I laid there and tried to not panic, I felt things shift and eventually I could move again.

I wrote it off as a one time thing. Promptly went out and started throwing servers around for work, and hitting the trails for fun.

People at work started to notice I was wincing, and I would smile and say my back just hurts a little. When in reality, I was screaming inside. They would laugh and say they understand, and I would laugh thinking they did.

Then one day while at work, I fell.

There was no pain. I didn’t do anything out of the norm. I just was walking down the hall, putting the normal 5 miles a day on my shoes by going from meeting to meeting. A loud click, and down I went. No one around to see it. I was embarrassed. I didn’t even tell my girlfriend, now wife, when it happened. Just like that morning, which was almost a year before, I sat there on the floor and waited. Eventually, I felt things shift again, and I could move.

Again, I brushed it off. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it, and I went about my life.

Yet, it opened my eyes to something.

If I am having these issues, telling myself that it’s not “that bad”, how many others are this way as well?

For those are do admit they are disabled, how bad did they have to get before they could do this?

I only recently started calling myself “disabled”.

When that day came, I was still moving large bags of dog food around, and paying for it later. I still do now, just not as often, and I make sure to take care of my back afterwards so the impact isn’t as long.

For years I have been going to doctors trying to find a solution to the pain. Once I mentioned the “click”, and that got me an MRI. Julie also telling me I need to do something helped.

What made me start using the “disabled” label, was when I went to a doctor because my knee started to hurt. It was hurting, because I was limping more than normal, and putting more force into my walk.

The doctor looked at everything I brought him, took his own diagnostics, and then simply asked, in a very dead pan voice; “How are you able to walk?”

Two doctors later, and I still get that phrase after they go over everything.

As there are days I can’t walk, I decided they are right. I’m disabled.

Disabled is not a “life sentence” though.

It means I have to take different actions than normal, to try and have the same quality of life I had before.

Now, when I see someone with a service animal, I don’t look at them and think they are faking. I look at them and wonder how long it took them to finally reach the stage where they could admit they had these limitations.

I don’t look at someone in a wheel chair and think they can’t do something. I look at them and wonder how they have adjusted their life so they can be “normal”.

I don’t look at someone who has a pained expression and think they are “ok”. I look at them and wonder if they could use a kind word.

Yet, when someone looks at me, I still wonder what they are thinking, and it’s negative.

As I used to think like they do.

Many disabilities are hidden. Many are not even physical, to start with. They all can eventually have a physical symptom. As stress from the disability will start to manifest in other ways.

I am not going to go into all those ways, as there is yet another aspect.

They are all different in how they appear and how they impact.

I can only talk to my own, which even I am still trying to understand.

So, I know I have been disjointed in how I am expressing this at this point, and that is not going to change.

Let’s do an exercise.

Follow these directions:

1. Close your eyes
2. Picture the word “disabled”
3. Put a person to that word
4. Visualize them going through their life
5. Ask yourself, why they look or act that way.

That last one, that is what I want you to think about.

Why did you see them the way you did?

Was it actually a disability you could see?

Did they actually act different than you would think is “normal”?

Most, not all, most of you will see a wheel chair, or a service dog (because you know people like myself), or you will picture someone you know, yet generally it will be visible disability.

You will picture them trying to get something off a shelf. Move across the room. Try and get out of a car or onto a bus. Something physical.

A few will do something different though.

They will picture themselves, or someone close to them. Who looks just like everyone else.

They will picture that person just standing or sitting, with a smile on their face.

They will picture that person being strong, and living their life.

Most of all, they will picture that person, being with others.

We are shown time and time again in media that disabilities have a symptom that you will see. Worse yet, it is that disability that will put that person alone in the world.

This is not true.

The person next to you, could be dyslexic. So much so, that they have to continually look up how to spell words that they use time and time again. I actually do this.

The person on the other side of you could have depression. The smile on their face being a mask, that behind is filled with anxiety and self doubt. I can’t speak to much to this one so much.

The person who is checking your groceries out may have digestion issues. They are just counting the moments they can go home and curl up in pain because they ate something that didn’t agree. This one I actually do know, yet still have not gotten to the point of calling it a disability in myself. As I compare my discomfort, with someone else I know who ends up in the ER from it time and time again.

You never know if someone is disabled.

You also can’t quantify how disabled they are.

All three of those people can hide their issues. All three have an impact in life that you can’t see. All three, could be the same person.

Yet, you don’t treat them any differently until you see a physical symptom of them.

Until you see the person stutter and scream in frustration because they can’t figure out how to spell establishment.

Until the person with depression breaks down in tears and runs off.

Until the person with the digestion issues doesn’t show up at work because they are in the ER.

Perception is a powerful thing.

I am typing this not just for people to get a glimpse into how I think, but just as much as for myself.

As I look at the person who sees me with Ash walking down the hall and start to panic about what they are thinking… As my back issues are hidden so much more than I let on…

How do I know they are not thinking the same thing, and are hiding their own disability?

Every day we judge those we see. We judge them against ourselves, and where we wish we could see ourselves.

There is nothing I can say to change that.

Just when you start to have that anxiety of what anther thinks of you, or when you start to wonder if that person you are looking at is really who they portray… Smile.

Does not matter if you consider yourself disabled or not.

As the odds a great, they are doing exactly the same thing.

You are not alone.

We all are in this together.

No matter what we show on the outside.

-Z

Addendum: If you read this, I am sure you saw many grammatical errors, as well as doubling of words, improper words, and even a bit of messed up word order. I thought about cleaning it up, as any “good blogger” should, but I decided to leave it. As this is a prime example of how dyslexia sometimes shows in people. It’s not always the “letter swap” that the media has taught you.