Pain

One word. One simple word.

noun: 1: physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.

What it does not convey in the definition, is the impact.

There is an issue trying to express the impact. When someone who is in pain, long lasting pain, starts to talk about their pain it causes another pain.

The feeling of burden.

Many of those who are in true pain, don’t want to share that pain. They don’t directly want sympathy, but more understanding.

I do not want pity.

Honestly, what I want is a solution for the pain that still allows me to live my life to the fullest my mind and imagination things I can.

So, keeping that in your mind, I am going to express what I am going through.

At this exact moment.

I am sitting in my ergonomics suggested chair, at my ergonomically setup desk, with my monitors, keyboard, mouse, and everything at the suggested placements by the ergonomics specialist.

That is an amazing thing to have. A company with someone who actually gets things done.

Ash is under the desk on his cool pad, but not blocking me in any way.

I should not be in anymore pain than normal.

Right now, every time my shoulders move, dead center of my back between them is a feeling like gravel. There is a pop, and my body suddenly feels like it’s on fire.

Funny thing, I actually know what that kind of feels like in reality.

That spot on my back is where one of the compression fractures that have never fully healed is at. I have three total at this time.

As my fingers move and press each key, I get a tingle in the palm of my hands that spreads. My co-workers are looking over trying to figure out why I am typing so loudly, and I just bite my tongue instead of saying; “I can’t feel my finger tips.”

The exhaustion from not only trying to keep myself from moving and causing more pain, but from not showing the pain, is over whelming.

The ability to focus, is gone. That is why I am writing this after all instead of working on a script that will touch over 5 thousand servers. I know one mistake, could possibly bring the whole company down. So instead I do other things until I can focus again.

Some people ask me, “Why don’t you take medication?”.

I do. I don’t have any narcotics, because that requires a pain clinic that I just do not have the time for. I don’t take the anti-spasm at work, because I have to drive home after work.

Even if I did, my tolerances to most medications are so extreme, that the doses either have no effect, or make me worthless because it finally crossed the line to matter.

As my cube cohorts are off doing something, I can breath am breathing a bit more freely. Yet still trying to hold the tears of frustration at bay. As they could be back at anytime.

Now, want the scary part?

This isn’t a bad day.

It’s worse than normal for me, yes. Yet, only slightly worse.

Remember how I said I don’t want your pity?

I don’t. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t want the words of encouragement.

I just want understanding.

So when I seem rude, sound like an asshole, or snap at something trivial you all understand..

It’s not you. It’s me.

Call me on it, of course. It’s not an excuse to get away with things.

I know it can get worse. I know it can get better. I know I have loved ones I can count on.

What I am really trying to do though is make you, the reader, understand that this is just a glimpse into my world of pain.

My world of pain, is minor when I look at some of my friends who live with this and more.

I can see it in their faces. I can feel it in their actions.

I understand they don’t want me to pat them on the back and say all is ok. It’s not.

They just want me to be there. Sometimes in silence.

Sometimes just being there is motivational, as they can see it in me and see that I keep moving forward no matter what.

-Z